The Failing Marriage

Strained marriages are an example. Newlyweds, generally, are in love. They become increasingly intimate and "in tune" with each other, sharing thoughts and feelings, interests and jokes. When they take their vows, they promise to love and live together forever... "until death do us part." Although there are exceptions, newlyweds usually trust each other, and try hard to accommodate the others' wishes (although living together for the first time can be the first, surprising source of strain).

As time goes by, some relationships get stronger and stronger, while others start to deteriorate. Sometimes this deterioration is caused by a specific event: physical abuse or an affair, loss of a job or death of a parent. Or, the deterioration may grow slowly over time. The couple may develop different interests, or they may start to have disputes over "little things" that are handled badly and begin to drive them apart.

Although all couples have little problems, those in successful marriages learn how to negotiate solutions early on. If they do not, tension can build up in the relationship that becomes harder and harder to deal with. Positive interaction is increasingly replaced by negative interaction: criticism, putdowns, power struggles, and abuse. This mode of interaction becomes seen as "normal," while the earlier positive interactions become rare. Although therapy can sometimes help rebuild a failing relationship, the longer the destructive dynamics have gone on, the more damage has usually been done, and the harder the relationship is to repair.